2020 was a strange year for everyone. As lockdowns and movement restriction orders kicked in globally and physical meet ups became impossible, the pandemic played a crucial role in accelerating the conversation surrounding self-love. And with that, sextech experienced a natural boom as singletons and couples alike around the world took to using sex toys.

Our first event of the weekend was a panel discussion talking all about sex toys. Here are some of the questions you had!

🙋 Does pleasure = having an orgasm?
✅ Sex is absolutely not about chasing an orgasm. This notion creates performance anxiety in both genders. Porn is rarely realistic - much less an ideal way to learn about pleasure -, and this normalising of an orgasm being the goal of having sex is deeply problematic.
Sexual wellness is a part of total wellbeing, and pleasure can simply be enjoying intimate time spent by yourself, or with your partner. To enjoy pleasure, start with understanding what pleasures YOU.

🙋 Is there a “normal” frequency of masturbation?
✅ The notion that masturbation is bad is false. As long as masturbating does not impede your daily routines and functioning, it is absolutely fine. There is also a common misconception of sex and masturbation being mutually exclusive. People in relationships can absolutely enjoy masturbating as well!

🙋 Why is pleasure so strongly associated with shame in society?
✅ It is in part due to the improper referencing of our private parts. For example, we make light of it by referring to it (usually derogatorily) in dialect, instead of calling them for what they are. It will take time for society to get used to talking about sex and pleasure “normally”.

🙋 Why is there a need for women to “fake orgasms”?
✅ Unlike males who ejaculate when they climax during an orgasm, the female orgasm does not necessarily culminate in an ejaculation. A lack of visual feedback makes it possible for females to “fake orgasms”, and could be a manifestation of the need to “reassure” / comfort males about their sexual prowess.
This may stem from our perception of males being more sexually active and hence, dominant. However, keep in mind that not all men want to have sex all the time. Some women enjoy sex alot too! The key is communication between intimate partners.

🙋 Sex toy recommendations for beginners?
✅ The Rabbit is great for internal and external stimulation. For beginners, if your first experience with the sex toy isn’t satisfactory, try again. Even seasoned users of sex toys can take a while to get used to a new toy too! Other conditions like being in a conducive environment matters as well.

Tips from our Q&A

🍆 On sex toys:
Using toys does not affect your sensitivity! It is a myth. Treat your toy like a lover, switch things up once in a while! It is important to keep pushing boundaries whether you’re in a r/s or as a single.

🥰 On masturbation:
Masturbation is more commonly accepted for males than females in society, and this internalised shame will take time to overcome. However, remember that we are all entitled to self-pleasure, and society’s opinion is a construct.

To help reduce shame from the experience, try mentally noting the positive emotions as you experience sexual pleasure. Talk to people who are willing to share and engage, ask questions!

🔥 On porn:
It is not weird that your (male) partner masturbates to porn regularly. While porn is not realistic, it was made for men after all! The important thing is to have an authentic, honest conversation with your partner. If you are game, watching it together might be a nice way to spice things up

Here are some takeaways from our Physical Workshop: All You Want to Know About Sexual Pleasure

1️⃣ There are many kinds of orgasms, not just via penetrative sex

There can also be “toe-gasms”, “ear-gasms”, people like to be stimulated in different ways. Orgasms can be felt differently and doesn’t have to be one mind-blowing shock, sometimes it comes in small waves too!

2️⃣ Having conversations about sex with your partner(s)

Use the 3 buckets method with your partner to communicate your needs.

The 3 buckets are 1) Yes, 2) Maybe, 3) No. Let one another know what kind of sexual activities fall into which categories. This helps communicate your boundaries and can even open up more things you can explore but didn’t know each other were open to before!

Drawing boundaries with your partner about what you are comfortable with trying and not

Use a rating system from -10 to 10. Anal sex could be a 7 for you, but a -10 for your partner. From this simple exercise, you can find out that it is something they don’t want to explore at all and you will not end up pushing them to do it with you unwittingly. Having conversations are important!

Pro-tip: Do not talk about sex before / during sex

This tends to ruin the mood because it is hard to go back into a romantic headspace after you “intellectualise” the conversation, or have had some disagreements during the conversation about what you like/don’t like during sex. Talk about it when you guys have alone time together over a meal or a walk. If you are in an open relationship or have casual sex, it is even more important to communicate well about your needs!

3️⃣ Just use lube!

How “wet” the female partner is does not equate to how aroused she is sometimes. It is normal to dry up sometimes, and totally normal to use lubricants to help make sex more enjoyable!

4️⃣ The clitoris is much more than it looks

The visible part of the clitoris is only the “head” of it. It is actually much larger than that! Apart from direct clitoral stimulation, try caressing the folds along the sides of the vaginal opening (labia) to stimulate the clitoris “legs” lying behind those folds!

5️⃣ Are you really “free” during sex?

Some women have concerns about being too “heavy” in the 69 position or when they are on top. It is important to recognise these worries you have, and communicate them to your sexual partner or try to rationalise them yourself!

For our last week, join us as we explore topics ranging from consent, LGBTQ sexual health & education, to understanding what’s next for sextech with a round up from industry movers and shakers 🌈

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Let's Talk: Guilty Pleasures