Help! My Partner Doesn’t Turn Me On
You meet someone cute who also happens to have an amazing personality, and the two of you really hit it off. All goes well, that is, until it’s time for you to explore things physically. And then you realise — your dream partner is not too much of a dream anymore; they simply do not turn you on.
Or maybe you fall into the category, where your relationship and sex life were going great so far, but somehow, one day your sexual chemistry dwindles, and the spark you once shared in bed is non-existent.
While there’s no one specific, scientific explanation to brush off this entire phenomenon, lacking sexual chemistry with a partner is something that many others have experienced, and here are some things you can try to resolve this issue.
Do you usually feel sexual attraction?
This is applicable to people who are in new relationships or those who have lost the *ability to get turned on* in their longer-term relationships. Recall if you have ever felt sexual attraction to others. This will help you answer the question of whether you are simply not turned on by your partner specifically, or if you have lost your sexual desire entirely.
I have difficulties being turned on by my partner
Often, a lack of sexual chemistry is a symptom of a deeper, underlying issue in the relationship
According to sex therapist Claudia Six, there is no such thing as “sexual boredom” because sexual arousal and activities are usually linked to the release of emotions relating to excitement and pleasure in the body.
When people complain that they are bored in their sex lives, it is usually because uncomfortable feelings are the ones arising instead, and the brain chooses to bypass these uncomfortable feelings and go straight to the feeling of “boredom” to spare us from all the other more unpleasant feelings.
Unresolved conflict and resentment in the relationship
Maybe you’ve been spending less time with each other due to busy schedules, or maybe you’ve spent so much time with each other that you’ve taken for granted that you have to keep the spark going.
What we value our partners for may also be a factor that comes into play. For people who are used to prioritising physical appearance (e.g. looks and physique) in their previous relationships, but currently value other character traits, it could be a case of your brain being used to linking a certain type of physical appearance with sexual arousal.
Harbouring feelings of attraction to an ex partner
While healthy individuals choose to get into a new relationship after they are completely “over” their previous ones, sometimes, there may be surprisingly unresolved issues that surface.
This could be heightened if you and your ex are still in contact, or if the breakup was not one that was sexual-related. For example, it may be possible to still harbor physical or sexual attraction for an ex who was incompatible in terms of life outlook. However, it is less likely with an ex who was physically unfaithful.
If this sounds like what you’re experiencing, understand that if you still have a vested interest in your previous relationship, it is extremely difficult to move forward with a new partner. If the new relationship matters to you, reduce or even cut off contact with your ex. Do whatever works best for you in order to eradicate these feelings of attraction so new sparks can fly.
Resolve this through honest and open communication
Identify any resentment or unhappiness in the relationship
Triggers may be subconscious. While there is no direct method to figure them out, some ways that can increase self-awareness are meditation or journaling. Speaking to a therapist could also provide a different perspective and highlight blindspots.
As a starting point, consider the timeline of the relationship and when you started losing attraction. Ask yourself: were there any events that happened around that timeframe that caused you to feel this way?
Honest communication with your partner
Maybe the lack of sexual attraction could be due to the fact that your SO is missing the mark in the bedroom, or maybe it is something that they do that turns you off. Whatever it is, take ownership of your sexuality, and be bold enough to suggest what will create more pleasure for you. Most importantly, have the conversation in a respectful and supportive manner! If you feel like trying new things in the bedroom like using sex toys would help, it is important to let your partner know that this is what you hope to explore with them.
I have difficulties being turned on in general
Possible causes of loss of sexual interest by Verywellmind
Physical and mental health factors
Difficulties in sexual arousal could be due to various health reasons. Certain medications may cause hormonal change. Common culprits include hormonal birth control and antidepressant that are known for putting the brakes on sex drive or desire. For males, medication to treat high blood pressure and lowering cholesterol are also known to cause erectile dysfunction.
Feeling depressed, stressed, or anxious, and in general experiencing a lower mood, can also cause you to have some difficulty with sexual arousal.
Seek medical help if this is the cause of your lack of sexual arousal
Could consider speaking to your doctor about the type of medication that is prescribed to see if there are any alternatives, or seek a therapist to help you resolve the issues relating to your overall mental well-being.
Physical response to discomfort during sex
Arousal is the response to sexual stimuli that helps increase vaginal lubrication and blood flow to the genital area, making intercourse comfortable and pleasurable. Conversely, a lowered arousal can trigger an emotional response of avoidance and reduction in physical response. This can lead to painful sex, which in turn causes further avoidance, hence lowering your libido even more. (It’s really a vicious little cycle!)
Increase the physical comfort during sex
This might be the easiest to resolve since it’s the most “home remedy” type of solution!
Make use of lubricants to help with vaginal dryness, so that the process of penetration can be smoother and less painful. You can also work on some pelvic-floor exercises to increase blood flow to the region, which would help to produce natural lubrication.
Alignment of mental and genital arousal
Sexual concordance is a condition where the body can only be aroused when both mind and body are at the same level of arousal. Those with higher sexual concordance might be more likely to be very aware of all the physical sensations in their body and thus be less able to specifically focus on sexual sensations around the clitoris and vagina. The body might also be hyper-sensitive to unrelated thoughts buzzing in the mind, and hence respond less well to sexual stimuli.
Once the mental blocks are released and the mind is functioning on the same level of sexual frequency, sexual performance is heightened and arousal and attraction can take place.
Stimulate your mind more!
Instead of initiating physical acts and waiting for your body to feel the spark, try foreplay that stems around more *thought-provoking and intellectual* acts. Utilise the power of your mind to create fantasies, or consume some good old erotica literature (alone or with your partner). You could even send each other some racy texts, or listen to a sex-related podcast, and the whole process that features more visual and audio cues could definitely help to get your heart pulsing more. Be mentally stimulated, and let your body follow along.
Should I stay or end the relationship?
One time when I was searching about this topic, I came across an article that said maybe your body not being turned on is its way of telling you that your partner is not the one. So, is there any truth to this statement? Ultimately, staying in a relationship is a very personal decision. It is possible to have very happy relationships with no sex at all, while others will consider that as a dealbreaker. It is all about understanding what you need — whether it’s hot, steamy sex, or a solid companionship, or a balance of both. As long as both parties are content with the sexual aspect of the relationship, we are sure that you will be able to work something out!